Birth and Judgement

How many of you had epidurals during your labour?

Am I the only person that finds questions like that posed in a public forum offensive?

My instinctive answer is "None of your damn business". Of course, no one forces anyone to answer these intrusive questions, but judging by the amount of comments I read today, many do. And that, consequently, opened up a whole new forum for all of those ever vocal SMs to judge the Mums who answered that yes, in fact they had had an epidural administered during their labour. The level of abuse people felt willing to hurl at others was staggering, with people on both sides of the debate being very combative and derogatory. Considering this was on Facebook, it demonstrates a surprising willingness (to me at least) for people to take these militant stances and be identified as themselves.

The typical SM stance on this seems to be that by having an epidural/cesarean/drug/gas (read: any assistance whatsoever) you are "denying yourself a wonderful and validating life experience" and/or "missing out on the most life affirming moment a woman can experience" (and yes, those are actual comments made by people on that Facebook page).

I am tired of the viewpoint expressed not only by SMs but various other subsets of the population that having a child is a woman's main purpose and crowning glory. It is not enough for those groups to spout that particular nonsense, they then have to add their opinion on actual birthing criteria. I am sure there are many women out there who cannot have children, as well as women who choose not to have children who roll their eyes at the small mindedness of these assertions. I have enjoyed what I feel are many wonderful life experiences, and quite a few not so wonderful. I don't view either the good or bad as "validating". I do not have to validate my life to anyone. There is no one thing or experience that validates me. They are all parts of the whole. If having this kind of confidence in myself is what is lacking in those who look to their babies to "validate" them then I can only feel pity. My sense of self worth was hard won, but evidently, 'worth' it.

What I find decidedly unpalatable about this topic is that is isn't just the SMs that will either judge or applaud you for your choice (should you be foolish enough to discuss it). Women who have not had children and even some men are quite willing to beat you over the head with their opinions on the subject of "Natural vs. Assisted Childbirth". To those childless women and idiotic men, I say this: Get pregnant, go into labour, and we'll discuss it then. Provided you have demonstrated that you do have the brains and wherewithal to defend your end of the debate. If actually experiencing a birth changes your viewpoint completely; Well. Imagine that.

When asked by my obstetrician whether or not I had a "birth plan" I said that considering he had delivered roughly one thousand children and me a grand total of zero, my "birth plan" was to do whatever he instructed me to that would result in a safe labour and the birth of a healthy baby. He seemed inordinately pleased by this, and now that I have had a baby and been exposed to all of these opinions and judgements, I understand why.

Seeing as I broached the subject, I will answer the question. Yes, I did have an epidural. They are hard to avoid when you are compelled to have a Cesarean due to pregnancy complications. I will now admit that had a Cesarean not been medically indicated, I would have elected to have one. That is my privilege as a private patient, and a realistic admission of the fact that the mere thought of giving birth scared the living daylights out of me. And for the record, no, I do not feel as though I "missed out" on anything at all. I "missed out" on bleeding to death and having my baby die too (as those were the risks posed by a "natural" labour) so my heartfelt thanks to my obstetrician, and when I look at my baby I'll just be content that we're both here.

And however your baby arrived, whatever you needed to have that happen safely and with minimum risk and pain to both of you, you may rest assured that I, at least, do not judge you.